13 Reasons Team 7 Cannot Get Married
by Over.Thinking.Daily.Life
Summary: An Essay by Sakura Haru- Naruto! The bridesmaids can't wear peach! It's going to clash with everything. Fluffy, silly nonsense scenes about Team 7 navigating their adult relationship. Written in no particular order or time line. Saku/Sasu/Naru
1. No One Has Proposed

A/N: warnings: drunkenness, suggestive of saku/sasu/naru, complete disregard for traditional Japanese marriage traditions

 _Earlier that day_

To see all three members of Team Seven walking down the street was not an unusual sight.

Konoha Genin teams were notoriously tightly knit, but Team Seven turned team work into an art. They lived together, ate together, fought together. Eyebrows would be raised to see Sasuke without Sakura, Naruto without Sasuke, or Sakura without her two teammates. But today's gossip was limited to the large sake bottle clutched in Naruto's arms.

"Naruto, you do realize you've drank before, right?" Sakura, their resident kunoichi and team captain (and personal badass, in her own opinion), asked as she leaned over to check if their blond team mate was still grinning.

"Yep!" He was.

"And that you've been drunk before." Sakura continued.

"Don't care!" Naruto's grin, if possible, grew even larger. He hugged the bottle of sake close to his chest and rested his cheek against its soft, green curves. "You have no idea how long I have waited for this moment."

"To molest a sake bottle in public?" quipped Sasuke who threw Naruto an amused glance. To anyone else, it could be mistaken for a look of disgust, but Naruto was used to the Last of the Uchiha's subtleties.

"No, Teme!"Naruto made a rude gesture at the man. "To be able to legally buy the most delicious drink known to men and no one can say nothing!"

"Now, you're beginning to sound like the Hokage," Sakura sighed and glanced over at their dark haired team mate, "Aren't you the one supposed to take on your master's bad habits?"

"Hn." How dare you suggest that the Tsunade has any bad habits or that I could ever acquire them!

"Can't acquire what you already have, Sasuke!" Sakura grinned at her team mate and easily brushed away the annoyed glance sent her way.

"Shhh…" Naruto whispered to his bottle as he stroked the long neck, "Don't let the two idiots disturb you."

The two sane members of the team shared a concerned look.

"You can't drink all that," Sasuke said eventually, "Even you can't metabolize that amount of alcohol without succumbing to alcohol poisoning."

Naruto's grin went devilish, "Who said anything about me drinking it by myself?"

 _Later that day_

"And then I said, 'I don't give a fuck who you think you are- I am heir to the Haruno clan and you can kiss my ass!'" Sakura's hand slammed on the cluttered table, causing the pyramid of bottles to shake dangerously. She glanced around triumphantly, but Naruto didn't look up from his drink and Sasuke's fond smile didn't waver.

They had been drinking for several hours. The original sake bottle had long been abandoned as they raided the fridge for beer and the dusty cupboards for the celebratory bottle of vodka from Sakura's last birthday. Their initial series of toasts had naturally transformed into a series of shinobi-centric drinking games which had, in turn, devolved into the disastrous game of 'No, I am not too drunk to play with kunai- just stop moving so much.'

After breaking up his teammate's latest competition, Naruto confiscated all the sharp, pointy, or edged objects in the apartment and locked them in the bathroom. It had taken three trips and Sasuke had almost lost his shirt when Sakura become convinced he was hiding a kunai pouch. (He had been).

"Yeah? What did you do then?" A delicate pink dusted over Sasuke's cheeks was the only indication he had drunk enough to fell a much larger man. Well, his languid sprawl over the table and visible smile (though small) also indicated he wasn't quite in the right Uchiha mindset.

Sakura collapsed back down on the floor, smiling embarrassedly and scratching her cheek.

"Oh, well, it turned out that the bastard was the favorite son of the daimyo or something. So… that wasn't a great move, politically."

"S'okay." Sasuke slurred and reached out to pat her hand. His fingers found her pulse point from long habit and he half closed his eyes as he listened to her heartbeat.

"Yeah?" Sakura asked in amusement when Sasuke nodded, "Am I still alive, doc?"

Sasuke nodded seriously again and pushed her cup towards her. "Have a drink. S'important."

"Doctor's orders!" Sakura agreed, struggling to pick up the right cup. "Y'should write me a prescription. For the morning- so no one's mad- wait-" Sakura stared down into the empty depths of her sake cup, then at Sasuke as though he could explain this great mystery.

"Hn?" Sasuke contemplated her cup with great serious but the explanation of the missing alcohol stumped him.

"It's empty? Naruto- Naruto- we need. . . What's wrong with Naruto?" It was an attempt at a whisper, but not a very good attempt.

Naruto was sitting over his cup, twisting the white porcelain between his fingers slowly as he stared at the table. He hadn't lifted his head, hadn't looked at them when Sakura recounted her story. Instead, under their wavering gaze, he sighed softly and his shoulders seemed to droop even more.

"Ehhh? Naruto!" Sakura clumsily set down her cup, knocking over one of the bottles of beer they had broken out of the fridge in the process, and crawled over to him. "Naruto. What's wrong? Are you sad? Why are you sad?"

Naruto shrugged off the arm flung around his shoulders. But if sober Sakura was tenacious, drunk Sakura was downright bullheaded. Instead of giving Naruto space, she half collapsed on top of him, arm tight around his neck, and poked his cheek with increasing intensity.

"Naruto- tell us. Tell us, Naruto. Tell us or we will- we will-" She struggled to think of an appropriate threat, then smiled when she hit upon the perfect one. "Tell us or I'll make Sasuke tell you about the history of the Uchiha!"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed in a pleased tone.

"Get off." Naruto tried to twist away from the poking finger.

"Naruto."

"It's nothing."

"Naruto."

"Leave me alone. Just go and- and-"

"Sasuke."

"In the beginning, the Uchiha-"

"You guys are going to leave me!" Naruto finally broke out in an aggravated wail, burying his face in his hands. Sasuke sat up in concern, while Sakura climbed onto Naruto's lap and tried to pull his hands away from his face.

"What? Naruto- what?"

"When- when- how will we be able to do this," Naruto waved his hands around their messy living room, collection of empty bottles and ruined packages of snacks, "When we are married?"

"What?" Sakura repeated, then, when Naruto did not seem convinced by that argument, she began brushing his hair out of his face. "Naruto. Naruto. Look at me. Naruto. We aren't even dating anyone. No one is getting married."

"Now," Naruto protested weakly, "But you will. Soon. Because you're great. And then you'll get married. And leave me. And-"

"Naruto. No-no-no-no. No. Naruto," Sakura rested her forehead against his. "Naruto. No. Look-look at my parents. My dad is married, but he is still close to his team. They hang out all the time. All. The. Time."

Naruto sniffed, "But how is that fair to who you marry? You're supposed to be a couple. Do everything together and have fun and be best friends and- and- it just won't work." He sighed tragically and let his head fall to Sakura's shoulder.

Sakura patted his head and looked over helplessly at where Sasuke had collapsed on the table again.

"Sasuke, your parents. They were happily married and still close to their teams, right?" She indicated with various gestures and looks that he should agree under pain of certain death upon sobriety. Sasuke nodded seriously as he got the message and held up his two fingers.

"They were team mates." He slurred, twisting his fingers around each other and staring at them seriously. "Then their other team mate died. And they got married."

"See, Naruto," Sakura turned back to her grieving team mate and pulled his head off her shoulder, "See. That- that didn't help at all Sasuke."

"Did," Sasuke corrected as he pushed himself to his feet. Despite having drunk enough to floor any normal man, he still managed to cross over to them with easy grace and flopped down next to them. He wrapped an arm around Sakura's waist and rested his head on Naruto's shoulder. "I'll just marry both of you."

"Sasuke, you can't- you can't just do that." Sakura protested as she dropped a hand on his head and began to pet his hair as well.

"Can," Sasuke corrected with smug superiority as he reached up to grab her hand, " 'm last of the Uchiha. Need to build up the clan. Can do whatever I want." Sakura scoffed, but before she could start listing all the things an Uchiha couldn't do, Naruto raised his head and stared at Sasuke with wet eyes.

"You'd do that teme? You'd marry us?"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, "Last of the Uchiha." He added, unless any of them had forgotten in the last four seconds.

With a shout of joy, Naruto tumbled over, sending them all into an undignified pile on the floor. Naruto managed to land on top of them both and stared down with suspiciously shiny eyes.

"This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." He declared with the utter sincerity of the truly drunk.

"Hey!" Sakura protested as she punched his shoulder gently, "I went on a date with you first!"

"That was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me," Naruto repeated with the exact same enthusiasm. Before Sakura could explain how 'nicest' necessitated only one subject, Naruto wrapped his hands around her cheeks.

"I want a spring wedding," He told her seriously, "And I want the flowers to be cherry blossoms, because that is your name, Sakura."

"Hn," Sasuke agreed, "And a traditional, Shinto ceremony."

 _Much Later_

Sakura had to force her eyes open the next morning. Her mouth felt gross. Her stomach was rebelling. Her head ached. She was laying on the floor in their garbage strewn living room, wrapped around Naruto who was still snoring gently.

Untangling her leg from his and sliding her hand out from under his shirt, she sat up slowly and immediately regretted it. Naruto was warm and horizontal and close to the floor. Sitting up was none of those things. The shuffling of pages distracted her attention and she glanced around muzzily until she saw Sasuke standing in the kitchen with a sheaf of pages in his hands and a blush on his cheeks.

"Sasuke?" She questioned.

At his name, Sasuke's head snapped up and the papers vanished behind his back. Sakura narrowed her eyes. Clearly those were something she needed to see- hung over or not.

What transpired was a game of catch that would have brought shame to their ancestors or any shinobi passing by. But Sakura won. Sort of. If you count, Sasuke tripping over the edge of the rug and her collapsing over him, as winning (which she did). Channeling enough chakra to pin Sasuke to the floor, Sakura wrested the papers out of his hands.

Guest lists.

Seating arrangements

Food and caterer ideas (ramen had been crossed out and re-written several times)

Crude sketches of dresses and suits

Hastily scribbled vows

"Is this-" Sakura peered closer, "Is this a wedding plan?"

"Wedding?" Naruto, awoken by the crash of two bodies, lifted his head off the floor an inch, "Congratulations. Who's getting married?"

Sakura squinted at the three stick figures drawn on a page and labeled in what might have been her handwriting. There were lots of fireworks surrounding the hand holding figures.

"Us? Maybe? I think?" She turned the paper upside down, "No definitely us."

"We're getting married? That's nice." Naruto let his head thunk back on the floor. Then, after a second, he flew to a sitting position so fast that he ended up holding his head and groaning. When his stomach stopped threatening to meet the world, he glanced at his team mates and whispered, " Teme proposed last night!"

Vague memories painfully emerged in Sakura's brain which protested this amount of work so early in the morning when her bed (or the floor) was so close by. There had been marriage talk. Naruto had made them rings out of napkin scraps. They had opened a bottle of plum wine to celebrate. Sakura's eyes widened in horror.

"Yes- but- that-" Her mouth fumbled for the words her brain refused to find, "But this can't work." She finally ended up tapping the pages in explanation then crossing her hands over her chest in denial. Sasuke pushed himself up from under her and took the pages.

"Of course not," He agreed and Sakura felt a great rush of relief. Of course not. They couldn't get married. Teams didn't get married. For Kami's sake- she hadn't even kissed either of them!

Her relief was short lived as Sasuke continued.

"We can't have the Ino at table seven. She clearly belongs at table twelve with her team."

A/N: A very random, fluffy set of grown Team 7 scenes as they navigate a relationship with each other as adults. If things confuse you, it's probably because this is an AU of my Naruto AU "A Chance to say Yes." Originally published in my Shinobi Ficlettes and inspired by LucidKren's suggestion, I've polished this scene up. Will update with bursts of inspiration, so if there is a scene you would like to see, let me know by PM or in the reviews!


	2. No One Could Agree on Surnames

The alarm went off.

Sakura turned it off.

The alarm went off again.

Sakura threw it against the far wall.

Thanks to the generous helping of foam and bandages, it bounced off the wall and continued to beep. Naruto had suggested the shield after their bi-monthly budget meeting where Sasuke pointed out the rather large percentage of income spent on small electronics.

Alarm clock silenced, but not broken, Sakura stumbled to the bathroom and dunked her face in the basin of cold water. When Sasuke had an early morning, he was nice enough to leave a basin for her after she had accidently left the tap running when she jumped in the shower.

Reaching blindly for the towels to the left of the sink, she scrubbed at her face with the rough cotton. Today it felt particularly scratchy. What?

More awake, Sakura blinked down at the towel in her hands.

Huh.

0X0X0X

Back in her room, Sakura rescued her mummy of an alarm clock from the floor and replaced it next to the bed. Plenty of time for breakfast today. Stifling a yawn, Sakura slipped on her skirt and zipped up her vest.

But she paused, zipper half done, as she caught sight of her vest's back in the mirror.

Huh.

0X0X0X0

As she walked to the kitchen, Sakura knocked on Naruto's door.

It was a long established tradition. After knocking, she'd take whatever Sasuke had made for breakfast out of the fridge, knock on the door a second time, reheat everything, knock on the door with a threat to break down the door, set the table and then finally threaten to eat all of breakfast if he wasn't there in five, four…

He was at the table by two.

Oooh. Omelets for breakfast. Sasuke even remembered to write their names! Sakura hummed to herself as she pulled the small dishes from the fridge, then froze.

Was that?

She blinked, but the mark on the dishes remained the same.

Breakfast momentarily forgotten, Sakura opened the cupboard and pulled down one of the dinner plates. She frowned. She pulled out another bowl and her frown intensified.

Hmmm….

0X0X0X0

"Naruto! Get out here!"

Naruto's door rattled in its frame as Sakura slammed her palm against it. There was a muffled curse and a thud that sounded suspiciously like a Naruto sized body falling out of a bed. Then, the door was pulled open to reveal a sleepy eyed, rumpled Naruto.

"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan you didn't even threaten to eat breakfast." Naruto complained through a yawn. He was shirtless, like most mornings. But Sakura was too irritated to allow herself her sneaky morning ogle. (She wasn't being creepy. She was simply appreciating the hard work her team mate had put into his taijutsu training!)

"Catch." He snagged the shirt she threw at him easily, then sniffed it and wrinkled his nose, as she breezed past him. Early in their careers as roommates, Sasuke and Sakura had staged an intervention: Naruto was messy. The loved and accepted him as such. But his mess wasn't allowed to escape into the rest of the apartment. He, in turn, could keep his own room as messy as he wanted, but if Sakura couldn't see the floor, she wouldn't clean it.

"Ne- I said I'd do laundry- Sakura!" Naruto's voice jumped an octave as he saw her heading towards his closet. "You're not supposed to come in here! I'm not dressed!"

Suddenly, the room was filled with shirtless Narutos shoving magazines under beds and throwing blankets over stacks of books, weapons, and empty ramen cups. Sakura only rolled her eyes as she rummaged through his closet.

"Naruto, I've seen you naked." Sakura pulled out a shirt and frowned. How the hell….

"When we were kids!" Naruto protested.

"It was your fault for trying to sneak into the girl's bath house," Sakura was distracted enough from her investigation of the closet to smirk at the memory. Then added thinking of his most infamous jutsu, "And I've seen you plenty of times in just clouds."

"Yeah, but that's when I'm a girl!" Naruto said with utter serious. As if that mattered. Sakura frowned at the jacket then threw his clean clothes at him. He was clutching his dirty laundry to his chest as if that was going to preserve his modesty.

"Notice anything different about those?" She asked as he shrugged his shirt on with an injured expression.

"Wha- no. Wait." Naruto was silent for a minute as he stared at the back of his jacket. When he spoke again his voice was tight. "That bastard. Did he-"

"Yep," Sakura spun around and jerked a thumb towards the back of her vest. Emblazoned across the back was a very large and very distinctive Uchiha fan. The same fan that was emblazoned on the back of all of Naruto's shirts. "And he got the towels in the bathroom, all the dishware, and several throw pillows on the couch? I don't know how he did that even…"

"Right." Naruto, still hadn't put down his jacket, "I'm going to go get him. Then that teme's going to explain what the hell is going on."

"He's got a meeting." Sakura protested without any real concern.

"Fuck that!" Naruto snapped, heading for the front door. "Gather all the evidence so he can't just weasel out of this!"

The door slammed with such force it shook the house.

0X0X0X0

"Dobe, I'm repeating myself because you are clearly too stupid to understand my words. You. Can. Not-"

"Oh, don't you start, Teme. Don't you dare start listing the things that you can and cannot do."

People often gossiped that Naruto and Sasuke argued like an old married couple. That was, loudly, constantly and without any real force. Sakura had long ago learned to tune out their constant bickering, but they reached new levels of intensity as they approached the house. Sakura dumped the last armful of linens onto the amassed pile gathered from every corner of the house.

"Dobe- I. Was. In. A. Mee-" Sasuke's tone was stern, but he lost a lot of his influence to terrorize when draped over Naruto's shoulder. "Sakura- please explain to this idiot what having a real job entails."

"Save it, Teme." Naruto dumped their team mate on the couch and braced, as if expecting Sasuke to jump up and make a break for the door. Sasuke did nothing of the sort. He sat back, crossed his arms and glared at his team mates.

"What is this about?"

"That." Sakura pointed to the pile of pillows, stationary, clothing, and towels. Sasuke glanced at it, glanced back at Sakura, and raised an eyebrow clearly unimpressed.

"Yes?"

"Yes?!" Naruto shouted. "Is that all you have to say? You-" He glanced at the pile of things and lost his train of thought. "Wow. How did you even…"

"I know!" Sakura broke in eagerly, "I still don't think I found everything."

"You didn't." Sasuke cut in with a smug expression. His comment re-focused Naruto who turned on their teammate with a furious expression.

"What the hell is going on Sasuke!"

"We are getting married," Sasuke replied coolly, "I changed your clan symbols to reflect your new allegiance."

0X0X0X0

"What!" Sakura yelled. Her stomach dropped through the floor, leaving her head swimming in vertigo. Memories, which had stayed firmly, safely, completely repressed, escaped and images danced before her. The sake. So much sake. The drunken stories. The desolate Naruto. The casual proposal. The hours of drunken planning. It all came flooding back.

"The three of us will be rebuilding the Uchiha clan, as my role as the Last of the Uchiha dictates." Sasuke said slowly as though explaining basic mathematics to a slow child and not proclaiming the most ridiculous idea on the face of the earth.

"Like hell we are!" Naruto shouted and Sakura sighed with relief. Of her two teammates, she hadn't expected Naruto to be the sensible one, but at this point she was willing to take any glimmer of reason- "We're rebuilding the Uzumaki Nation!"

Sakura face palmed.

"My family was destroyed. We are rebuilding the Uchiha clan." Sasuke crossed his arms.

"My nation was obliterated. We are rebuilding the Uzumaki Nation." Naruto planted his fists on his hips, "Believe it!"

"There are other Uzumaki in the world." Sasuke was now on his feet.

"There's another Uchiha too, Teme!" Naruto took a step closer until they were nose to nose, "Get your damn brother to rebuild your damn clan!"

"Our damn clan- you're a member now." The barest smirk graced Sasuke's mouth.

"Like hell I am!" Naruto groped blindly, unwilling to break the staring contact, until he found a pen, which was cheerfully emblazoned with a small fan sticker. Then, he reached forward and drew a large spiral on Sasuke's forehead. "Ha! Take that, newest member of the Uzumaki nation!"

"What are you doing!" Sasuke leapt backwards, scrubbing at his forehead. In times of extreme stress, Sasuke's voice went high and thin. "Sakura, tell the dobe that we are Uchiha!"

"No! Sakura- tell the teme that we are Uzumaki." Naruto turned towards her with the pen held out threateningly. Clearly, disagreement would result in disfigurement. Sakura rubbed the bridge of her nose.

She shouldn't encourage them. She really shouldn't. The whole concept of marriage should be squashed as the unlikely, improbably, impossible thing it was. Some cups of tea and a quite discussion and-

Eh. There were a lot of should's in her life. Sakura liked to ignore them these days.

"Actually, you're going to join the Haruno clan." She grinned and raised two fingers in a victory sign. There was a stunned silence and then suddenly two sets of voices were yelling at her.

"What! Are you insane!"

"Sakura. You can't be serious."

"No, think about it." She insisted, reaching forward to pluck the pen from Naruto's nerveless hands. "We are a ninja clan of good standing. Stable. No weird family issues. Loyal. Plus doesn't Naruto and Sasuke Haruno sound good?" It apparently did not.

"Like hell!

"Sakura. Be serious.

"You have, like, fifteen cousins, Sakura-chan!"

"Exactly."

"Right," Sakura agreed pleasantly and wrapped an arm around Naruto's shoulders. "But that just means that you would have extended family. Wouldn't that be a nice experience, Naruto? Don't you miss that Sasuke?" She batted her eyelids at them with a smirk and drew a large circle on Naruto's cheek.

"But the clan!"

"But the nation!"

A/N: This chapter is based on a suggestion from advancegreen a month-ish ago "I have a burning need to know whether Sasuke starts pasting Uchiha fans over all their stuff, or there's a squabble over whose last name to take."

Clearly the answer is... yes.

So, this story is being written through bursts of spontaneity. Do you have silly scenes you'd like to see? Are there "problems" Team Seven would have to overcome? Let me know!

As always, reviews are welcomed and appreciated- let me know what you liked, what you didn't, and what you'd like to see more of. Cheers!


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